Loopy Lingo

It's mid-September...which means my trip is officially half over.

Where has all the time gone?

I'll tell you where. All the time has gone into me being stumped by mumbling Kiwis and crazy slang.

But no longer. You see, today I actually thought to myself as I was watching some wild New Zealand television, "that ad was brilliant." Now to you this may seem minuscule, in fact you may be wondering what the point is. However, if you traveled back in time half of my stay ago, you would notice my thoughts to be thinking, "that commercial was cool," or even more likely, "are they really allowed to say that on network television??"

It's all adding up now, I have successful infiltrated the Kiwi dialect, no longer held back by an inability to translate the mumbles and bumbles of Kiwi jargon, I am one step closer to my ultimate goal of dual assimilation, only to follow by perhaps world domination, although those plans are still in process.

I feel my only duty now can be to teach the masses of the world who end every night with long desperate prayers to the heavens that someday somehow they will learn how to speak like Kiwis. Your prayers have been answered. I'm here to help.

Let's start with the accent and tone--the most difficult and easiest areas to master. Forget everything you've learned about annunciation. Kiwis never learned how. Close your mouth. Now speak. Don't open it though, keep it closed. Congratulations, you've just mastered the New Zealander mumble. Moving on.

Let's have a go with the accent now. A cross between Australian and British, the New Zealander accent is perhaps one of the most difficult to master. Why you ask? I'll tell you why, thanks for asking by the way. Because if you try to say a phrase like "G'day mate" in the accent you're used to hearing it in, you will ultimately sound like an Aussie and be brutally ridiculed and highly offensive to any Kiwi who is unlucky enough to hear you. The line between Australian and Kiwi is not a line, it is a high barbed wire electric fence with murderous guard dogs and snipers sporting those heat sensitive goggles that only super secretive agents can sneak through. To cross the two is to commit a heinous crime, and should not be done, or you may lose the power of speech altogether. That said, it is also extremely difficult to actually make yourself speak an accent that is not Australian when you attempt Kiwi (unless you are a Kiwi of course or an Aussie) but it is vital to your very soul that you do not mix the two. Keep that in mind when it comes to pronunciation time. Which is now.

The main thing with pronunciation, like most languages, is getting your vowels down. Most i's will be pronounced like u's, and e's will be so long you'll wonder when they will ever stop. For example, one of my favorite words, chocolate is pronounced like choc oh lut. The word milk is pronounced like mu-ell-k and the word yes is pronounced like yee-s, the city Wellington is pronounced Wullington. Put it in a sentence: Yes, I'll have your Wellington chocolate milk. Yees, Uh'll hu-v yur Wullington choc-oh-lut mu-ellk.

Now when it comes to consonants, think lazy mumbling again. Those on the end of words are usually completely left off. Instead of "but" say buh, instead of "school" say schoo-w. Put it in a sentence: But I don't want to go to school. Buh Ah don't wunt to g-uh to schoo-w.

Got it yet? Keep practicing.

Now to my favorite, and at times most mind boggling dialectal lesson: Vocabulary. I'll dive right in. The scene: your friend stops by your place on a warm sunny Friday evening. He has a proposition for you. Now decipher.

"Kia Ora bro!

Are you keen for a wee brekkie out on the barbie tomorrow? I've stuck heaps of bangers and bickies in the chilly bin out in the boot and I'm on my way to top up the petrol so we can take a drive out to that beaut spot near the bush. We can even stop at that one dairy afterward and pick up the lollies we liked, they were sweet as, eh? I'll ring my mates from Uni too. But I've got to run to the chemist's now, I'm a bit crook at the moment. Cheers!"

Having trouble? American-English equivalent.

"Hey man!

Do you want to have a barbecue for breakfast tomorrow? I put tons of sausages and biscuits in the cooler in the trunk and I'm on my way to fill up on gas so we can take a drive out to that awesome spot near the Native New Zealand Forest. We can even stop at that one cornerstore afterward and pick up the candy we like, they were awesome, don't you agree with this statement I'm currently making? I'll call my friends from school too. But I've got to scoot over to the drugstore now, feeling a bit under the weather currently. Laterz!"

How'd you do?

Really?

Sweet as bro, so proud. You did so well, I think a pop quiz is in order, the results can live as proof of your mastered Kiwi dialect for eternity...

Situation 1: Your friend leans on your shoulder, eyes droopy and lets out the phrase..."I'm knackered!"

Does this mean.

A. I am quite drunk.

B. I am quite sleepy.

C. I am quietly craving to go buy some knick knacks to clutter my shelves.

Situation 2: Your other friend leans on your other shoulder, and quietly reminds you about the gathering you're invited to that night. I say quietly because the other shoulder inhabiting friend isn't invited, she's too knackered. Anyways, this friend whispers: "Don't forget to bring the Jerseys we bought tonight!"

Does this mean.

A. Don't forget to bring the sports memorabilia purchased with your friend, so you must be going to some sort of Rugby match.

B. Don't forget to bring your sweatshirts purchased with your friend, so you must be staying inside the freezing flat tonight.

C. Don't forget to bring the entirety of Jersey Shore Season 1 with you tonight, enough said.

Situation 3: You're at the pub watching a Rugby game with aforementioned shoulder slouching friend. You have no idea what's going on in the game, so you decide to be nice and shout a round of handles...otherwise known as buying the next round of drinks on tap that come in mugs (Bet you thought I was going to test you on that, gotcha!). As you are away, everyone starts yelling. You turn around to see one of the players being "sin-binned."

Does this mean.

A. A player has just been discovered to have broken one of the Ten Commandments and is being shamed in front of the entire stadium by a group of nuns.

B. A player has fouled another and put in a penalty box for a few minutes.

C. A nerdy player has been thrown in a dumpster by some of the more popular players.

Test over. The answers were all B. Congratulations, you aced it!

You are now a Kiwi pro. No need to get a visa when you come visit me, you'll be able to fool immigration into believing you are a native with the knowledge you've acquired. Don't forget to invite the customs officer over for brekkie sometime!

Cheers!